Deep Blue Wilderness

Last night I worked on fixing the house over on Breyman up for some potential buyers that my agent was to take through today. I got there and felt the hideous sense of helplessness that is so familiar to me when inside that house. There are thousands of things that should be done to fix it up, and I can only do one or two, and even those will take four or five hours, not the the hour or so I always estimate they will take.
I worked on putting a new vinyl floor down and then cut floor moulding pieces for it. No mitered corners. It never looks as good as I imagine. I had to use giant, ugly drywall screws to put it in because the wallboard wouldn't hold the nice little finish nails in. I didn't get home until midnight. I didn't get to bed until after 1:30 am.
And then morning came. I had promised that if I saw my hawk, Tennerin, when I looked out the window, I would come out to visit with Tennerin no matter how early he came. What did I do instead? I woke up early, around 7:30, and was so sore and so tired that I didn't look out the window. No, I just excused myself right out of going out to see him by not looking out the window and finding him. I used some kind of "morning logic" to tell myself that since I didn't see Tennerin, I didn't have to get up, and thus I was keeping my promise!
I just cannot stand this about myself. If I could change one thing about myself, the thing that would make the most difference in my life, add the most to my life, and stop a lot of the guilt in my life, it would be: to be able to happily get up early in the morning.
I have always, from the time I was a little child, four years old, hated to get up in the morning. Once I'm up (if I am forced to, under threat of losing my career, and starving) I LOVE the mornings! It is the very best time of day.
Except for when it's not light out, yet. That time of the morning feels like it is against the laws of God and Man for me to have to be up. But once dawn comes, oh! The colors, the promise of the day to come, the purity of the light!
But I've just blown another morning, and my hawk has snubbed me twice today, ignoring my calls and just staring at me in obvious disappointment and contempt. You see, I found out (around 10:30 am when I finally crawled out of bed) that he had been up in the tree outside my window waiting for me since 7:00 am. He has his own morning logic, and I failed it this morning. Sorry, buddy. I will try to wake up early with a smile tomorrow. Selling my house would help, but I know you, as a hawk, can't doing anything to help that along. Once again, I'm sorry, Tennerin.

Posted by Renee at 12:45 PM | Permalink | Comments

It has been a long time, and I've been working on another blog, this one at filmindustrybloggers.com, where I am the "Standby Painter". Check it out, as it has been my primary blog focus for a while now.
I hope to continue writing in this blog as my writing career begins anew after a long stall, mostly because I've been working on films and I was fixing up a house so I could flip it. And did I ever time that endeavor well! The entire economy went to hell. It's strange, because the last time I treid to "heal my relationship with money", I invested money into the stock market. The week before Black Monday.
Now, I hope my investment choices don't trigger global catastrophes, but it's hard not to suspect I somehow pick up on their proximity in time and decide to go for it when "it" is about to blow up. Oh well, I'd better heal my relationship with real estate, soon, because that house is now a ball and chain, and I want to focus on writing as my ticket out of subsistence level finances.
And now I'd better get outside before the sun sets to feed my wild hawk friend Tennerin. I am blessed with his friendship, and that is enough for me right now.

Posted by Renee at 5:34 PM | Permalink | Comments

Yes, it's only the third installment, and it's been a while since I actually got this thing up and running. First, here's a shout out to the guy responsible for the original design of this blog, who was kind enough to fix my mistakes after I added my own artwork. Vasily Leytman, who I believe is Russian, and he has a website featuring his design work, which is http://www.leytman.com/ . Now, I hope this link fares better than the Margaret Cho blog I attempted and failed to include two entries ago. Here is my second attempt to include her link: http://www.margaretcho.com/blog/blog.htm . I have her blog listed under my Favorites Folder labeled "Consciousness Expansion", because she does expand one's consciousness, if only to make room for a sense of humor when you've lost yours. Actually there's more to her writings than that, so if you're open to consciousness expanding in any form, try reading a few of her published letters, as well as her review of the show she emceed: The Miss Exotic World Pageant.
And now, let us return to what will be the regular topics of this blog. They are, in no particular order (though the occurrence of them in my life will affect their order and frequency in an everchanging manner):
Metaphysics Corner: That would be multidimensional, enfolded implicate order containing or expressing spiritual, biological, and existential issues. I am going to put in a couple of links to some thought-provoking sites at the end of this entry, by the way.
Working in Films: I am an art dog for feature films, and have been so for many years. My work on set has provided some of the most wonderful and most hideous experiences in my lifetime. I am both knowledgeable about filmmaking and repulsed by it. I believe films can change the world or produce endless loss of time better spent doing anything other than watching films. Examples of both capabilities are: An Inconvenient Truth, and Nightmare on Elm Street.
Science and New Paradigms: In my opinion, the most interesting science coming out today deals with animal and human consciousness and intelligence. Almost every question I have about the world comes back, ultimately, to the issues surrounding consciousness. These include the research into what some call the Noetic Sciences. Definitions can be found at http://www.noetic.org/ .
Stuff We Can't Explain: Just name it, and I've discussed it or wondered about it, either in writing or conversation. Bigfoot, Loch Ness monsters, anomalies like gold jewelry or iron nails being found completely embedded in coal hundreds of feet below the surface of the earth, indicating they had been there for at least several million years. UFO's, spontaneous human combustion, time travel, reincarnation, and the fact that a photo of Brangelina's baby just sold for millions of dollars. Which brings me to one of the other subjects I am fond of...
Signs of the End Times: What are these signs? People may disagree, and interpret ancient writings differently, but in general, the "experts" tell us that "the signs of the end times are when things are just too crazy to stand it anymore". For example, either the world is ending, or you have lost your mind, when you hear that the ATF played two songs over and over again to drive the people in that Waco Texas thing out of their compound, and that those chosen (by who?? What were their credentials for making this decision?) were: 1) These Boots Are Made for Walkin' and, 2) Achy-Breaky Heart.
There's more to come, but it is late, and I have to see if any of these links actually get published in this blog. Stay tuned, check back often, don't forget to write, and wish you were here if here wasn't here, but was somewhere else entirely.

Posted by Renee at 8:48 PM | Permalink | Comments

What happened to my last post? Where am I? Is this earth?

Posted by Renee at 1:23 AM | Permalink | Comments

First, my thanks to Vasily Leytman, the designer of this blog skin, for fixing its formatting (after I screwed something up by "customizing" it with my own illustrations). I'll put in a link to Vasily's site when I next post. Being new to the "blogosphere", I had no idea of the large community of blog designers as a group. In fact, the only blog I have visited at all is Margaret Cho's, which is totally awesome, baby, and a funny but insightful foray into the human female condition, issues and options, among other things, including essays about how wonderful and completely uplifting a companion animal can be for our soul. Take a look at .
Jeez, I hope that link insert feature works. Guess I'll find out. It's late, and tomorrow, Monday, I am going to send out some life-changing emails, visit the dentist, and then, if I'm still at least semi-conscious, I will write about my wonderful wild red tail hawk friend Tennerin. He has been an unexpected, and truly uplifting force in my life, overturning all my assumptions about raptor intelligence, and causing me to believe in magic, again. Real magic---the kind that makes impossible things happen, and expands your possibilities in a real, physical way. I hope to explain these statements in a clear and logical fashion, incorporating what we now know about neurochemistry and what some scientists suspect about biological forces. Have I got your attention, made you curious? I hope so!

Posted by Renee at 12:12 AM | Permalink | Comments

No way is this going to be easy. Not at first. I need to find out why this blog is not formatting according to my commands. How dare it disobey me?? My shallow life is foundering on the millions of small tasks to get up to speed with the new website. Is there any end in sight? And though I'm broke as all get-out, I cannot fathom how I will get up the energy to start working on the next film opus. Horrible cheap motel room, long hours, possibly unable to fit into normal work clothes because I have not gotten off my fat fat fat ass long enough to run or do Pilates, or even walk around the block. Even the birdwatching field trip was just sitting around on a sternwheeler boat. Just like Tom Sawyers Island ferry boat rides back in the day at Disneyland, except I'm decades older and still not much wiser. That's it for now. Back to formatting problems on this blog!!

Posted by Renee at 4:12 PM | Permalink | Comments

Why does it take so long to do anything new on my computer? It's almost as if my two years of learning Fortran and entering code on IBM punch cards is of no use!

Posted by Renee at 10:43 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Renee at 5:22 PM | Permalink | Comments

Hello from the deep blue wilderness.
Where is that wild place? It is a deep blue wilderness that man cannot put into order, where clocks make no sense and human beings have never been able to stay long enough to settle, reproduce, and then come up with a reason to start killing each other.

Posted by Renee at 4:11 PM | Permalink | Comments