Why Are Mornings So Difficult?
Last night I worked on fixing the house over on Breyman up for some potential buyers that my agent was to take through today. I got there and felt the hideous sense of helplessness that is so familiar to me when inside that house. There are thousands of things that should be done to fix it up, and I can only do one or two, and even those will take four or five hours, not the the hour or so I always estimate they will take.
I worked on putting a new vinyl floor down and then cut floor moulding pieces for it. No mitered corners. It never looks as good as I imagine. I had to use giant, ugly drywall screws to put it in because the wallboard wouldn't hold the nice little finish nails in. I didn't get home until midnight. I didn't get to bed until after 1:30 am.
And then morning came. I had promised that if I saw my hawk, Tennerin, when I looked out the window, I would come out to visit with Tennerin no matter how early he came. What did I do instead? I woke up early, around 7:30, and was so sore and so tired that I didn't look out the window. No, I just excused myself right out of going out to see him by not looking out the window and finding him. I used some kind of "morning logic" to tell myself that since I didn't see Tennerin, I didn't have to get up, and thus I was keeping my promise!
I just cannot stand this about myself. If I could change one thing about myself, the thing that would make the most difference in my life, add the most to my life, and stop a lot of the guilt in my life, it would be: to be able to happily get up early in the morning.
I have always, from the time I was a little child, four years old, hated to get up in the morning. Once I'm up (if I am forced to, under threat of losing my career, and starving) I LOVE the mornings! It is the very best time of day.
Except for when it's not light out, yet. That time of the morning feels like it is against the laws of God and Man for me to have to be up. But once dawn comes, oh! The colors, the promise of the day to come, the purity of the light!
But I've just blown another morning, and my hawk has snubbed me twice today, ignoring my calls and just staring at me in obvious disappointment and contempt. You see, I found out (around 10:30 am when I finally crawled out of bed) that he had been up in the tree outside my window waiting for me since 7:00 am. He has his own morning logic, and I failed it this morning. Sorry, buddy. I will try to wake up early with a smile tomorrow. Selling my house would help, but I know you, as a hawk, can't doing anything to help that along. Once again, I'm sorry, Tennerin.
